Sunday, July 20, 2008

I added a sermon today (it is Sunday!), but I won’t take credit for it. In truth, it’s an inspirational video sent to me by my good friend Bob Jessep. It’s much longer than my typical sermon and you’ll get the gist of the message in the first minute or two. It’s your decision if you want to watch the rest of it or move on to something else.

Contests

I’m adding this section today because I want to see the number of daily visitors increase. I’m trying very hard to keep things interesting to justify the time I spend on this each day. My bride would prefer I go and get a job as a greeter at Wal-Mart. Personally, I think I might drive the average Wal-Mart shopper crazy. Thus, for as long as I can, I’ll work to get my numbers up. The rest is up to you, your friends, your family, your co-workers, and anyone else you can coerce to visit this blog.

So here’s the contest. I’m part of a group that entertains at assisted living facilities and nursing homes. Occasionally I have to kill some time while one of our musicians searches for a piece of music. My jokes are getting repetitive. I need some new material.

One of my favorite jokes is one the group won’t let me tell to a group of senior citizens. It’s about an old guy in his eighties who gets all dressed up and goes to a lounge. As soon as he walks in he spies a woman in her late seventies who is sitting by herself at the bar. He straightens his tie and moves in. He orders a drink and tries to act nonchalant. When his drink arrives, he turns to the woman and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”

Obviously, I need clean jokes. A little innuendo here and there is O.K., but I’m trying to keep this a family oriented blog.

Use the comment link to pass along your best joke. If it’s good and clean, I’ll let everyone see it and when I use it, I’ll tell them who gave it to me… although most of the folks in our audiences will probably forget before the show is over.

While you’re here – and trying to think of a good joke – take a look around. If you see something you find interesting, make a comment. Better yet – tell someone else about it so they can drop by and see it for themselves.

Thanks again for your support!

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8 Responses to Sunday, July 20, 2008

  1. his is one of the best clean jokes I’ve seen in a while!

    Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
    the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired
    of hearing all the bickering.

    Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set
    up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
    who does the better job.’

    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

    They moused.

    They faxed.

    They e-mailed.

    They e-mailed with attachments.

    They downloaded.

    They did spreadsheets!

    They wrote reports.

    They created labels and cards.

    They created charts and graphs.

    They did some genealogy reports

    They did every job known to man.

    Jesus worked with

    heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

    Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
    across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went
    off..

    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
    underworld.

    Jesus just sighed.

    Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
    computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

    ‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
    past two hours of work.

    Satan observed this and became irate.

    ‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his
    work and I don’t have any?’

    God just shrugged and said,

    JESUS SAVES

  2. jimsjourney says:

    Hello Brando from Stracka.com,

    Thanks for the input. I may have to shorten it a bit for the nursing home, but I agree, it’s a good one.

    Thanks,

    Jim

  3. Jim,

    I hope this message finds you in good spirits.

    I have to say that I really enjoyed your blogs! I can appreciate nostalgia in all forms, especially music!
    In the 60’s I wasn’t even a twinkle in my fathers eye, much less around to experience what seemed to be an turbulent and amazing time. But in comparison to today (musically, anyway) it seemed like more of a trailblazing era .(if this makes any sense)

    Thanks again for allowing us a glimpse into the past through your eyes and keep blogging!

    My attempt at the joke contest…

    -Jesus, Moses and an old man were playing a round of golf
    -As they approached the 15th they observed a par 5 with a water hazard right in the center of the fairway
    -Jesus, Moses and the old man tee off, all dropping their shots right into the drink
    -Arriving at the hazard, Jesus proceeds to walk on water making a remarkable second swing landing on the green
    -Moses raises his arms, parts the hazard and makes an outstanding swing, again landing on the green
    -The old man standing by his bag watches and chuckles as a fish rises to the top of the water spits his ball out onto the green where an eagle swoops down scoops up the ball with his talons only to fly over the green and drop the ball right into the hole!

    -Moses then turns to Jesus and says, “Man I hate playing with your dad!”

  4. jimsjourney says:

    Tony,

    You made my day! Thanks for the kind words and the great joke.

    You’ve given me the incentive to write more about the Hollywood All-Stars and my youth.

    Thanks again,

    Jim

  5. jimsjourney says:

    I just received this joke in an email from Nick Sarge;

    A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came
    upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. “How much do you want for the
    mower?” asked the preacher. “I just want enough money to buy a bicycle,”
    said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will
    you take my bike in trade for it?” The little boy took the bike for a ride
    around the block and said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

    The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a
    few times with no response from The mower. The preacher called the little boy over
    and said, “I Can’t get this mower to start.” The little boy said,
    “That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it started.” “I’m
    a minister, son,” said the preacher, “I don’t even remember how to
    cuss.” The little boy looked at him happily and said, “You Just keep
    pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.”

  6. Jerry says:

    Did you hear the one about the two men who crashed in their private
    plane onto a South Pacific island? They both survived.

    One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over
    the island in order to determine their chances for survival.

    After a thorough search of the island he rushed up to the other man
    and declared, “This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is
    no water. We are going to die!”

    The other man comfortably leaned against the fuselage of the wrecked
    plane, folded his arms and responded, “I make $100,000 per week.”
    And then was quiet.

    The first man, realizing his friend must not understand declared
    again with strong conviction, “Listen, we are on an uninhabited
    island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!”

    The other man, unruffled, again responded. “Listen, I make $100,000
    per week.”

    Mystified, the first man, taken aback, but unwilling to be satisfied
    with such an answer again repeated, “I’m telling you we ARE going to
    die. There is no one else on this island. There is No food. There
    is NO water. We are, I repeat, we ARE going to die.”

    Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said,
    “Don’t make me say this again. I make $100,000 per week. I pay a
    10% tithe. My pastor WILL find us!”

  7. Jerry says:

    Jim,
    I found another which you may enjoy.

    THERE IS A MORAL HERE!

    A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
    The jet jockey decided to show off.

    The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, ‘watch this!’ and promptly
    Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
    With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
    Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

    The C-130 pilot said, ‘That was impressive, but watch this!’

    The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
    Pilot came back on and said: ‘What did you think of that?’

    Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, ‘What did you do?’

    The C-130 pilot chuckled. ‘I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
    To the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a Cinnamon bun.’

    When you are young & foolish – speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
    When you get older & smarter – comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!?

    Matured folks understand this one

    ——————————————————————————–

    ——————————————————————————–

  8. jimsjourney says:

    Considering the post I added today (7/31/08), I’d gladly exchange the speed for the comfort. Thanks for your submissions.

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