Parents Who Can’t Let Go

Years ago I worked with a man who was about to retire. He was sixty-seven years old, but continued to work because he needed the money. At the time, IBM’s pension plan was one of the best in America. In addition, the man was eligible for full Social Security benefits. So, why did he need the money so badly? He had adult children he was supporting.

His children were perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, but they didn’t have to do it.

I remember one day in particular that the man was more than a bit irritated; he had to go home and change the oil in his forty-year-old son’s car. On further questioning, the man revealed the true reason for his anger… the oil should have been changed weeks earlier.

The bottom line is that his children were only partially to blame. On the surface, it appeared they were taking advantage of Daddy. In truth, Daddy had a personality that needed to be needed.

I was listening to Clark Howard yesterday afternoon. For the uninitiated, Clark Howard is a consumer advocate who has a syndicated radio show. One particular caller reminded me of the man changing the oil in his son’s car. This woman was calling because her daughter was having credit problems.

Unfortunately, such callers are not unusual. I’ve heard many mommas calling to explain the difficulties of their adult children and seeking advice on how to help them get back on their feet. I can’t help wondering why the adult children can’t make the call themselves. I’m sure those children long ago learned to make phone calls using the cell phones mommy and daddy bought for them.

I’ve read where parents such as these have been given a label. They’re called “Helicopter” parents because they hover over their children. Some of these parents have gone so far as to call personnel managers of corporations insisting on explanations as to why their offspring did not get the job they so desperately wanted. In fact, some parents have insisted on being in on the interviewing process. Luckily, those parents have been told to go pound salt… in a nice way, of course.

For the most part, these “helicopter” parents are members of the X generation. Baby Boomer parents have pretty much followed the teachings of their own parents – after a child completes his or her schooling, he or she is own his or her own. Get a job, get married, get an apartment, or whatever… but get out on your own!

Of course, every generation has it’s exceptions. The man I talked about at the beginning of this post has to be in his eighties by now. Maybe he’s the guy we should blame for the problem. He started it!

Pointing the finger of blame doesn’t really help. But I will try to make a point… by asking those parents what sort of signal they’re sending to their adult children? It seems to me they’re saying, “I don’t think you can make it on your own. You still need mommy and daddy to make things right for you.

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. What do you think?